Hello? How Would You Like to Help?

My phone has been ringing off the wall, rather my wrist. It’s one thing after another, everyone wanting to help me. Today alone, I’ve had eight calls, and although I didn’t answer them and they didn’t leave a message, I’m quite sure they were looking to improve the quality of my life, which means me giving them money. Who needs a secretary when I have so many helpful people, many of whom can’t pronounce my name, and all of whom are offering to help with this and that.


These are a few of the calls that I’ve had in the past few weeks. As a rule, I don’t answer calls from an unknown number, but I have been expecting some calls from some workmen whose numbers were not in my list. I answered, armed for battle with my Marine training.

The social security department called, and I guess these employees have not worked long enough to know it’s an agency, not a department, and when I corrected them, they hung up. That’s a good thing. Social security is a fine agency but should ramp up its training.

Another fun phone call was from the IRS telling me that I owed several thousand dollars and federal agents were on their way to arrest me and I would be jail in just a few minutes. It’s a scary call, but I know my taxes are paid up, and as far as I’m concerned, he can_______...well, you can fill in the blank.


The car warranty caller wanted to assist me by extending my warranty for a vehicle that Tom and I got rid of three years ago. It didn’t run well then, and it’s doubtful that a new warranty would fix all the things that were wrong with it back when we traded it, let alone now. My guess is that it’s at the car crusher place, on its way to being recycled as bolts, bins, or bicycles.


A guy called a few days ago eager to sell Tom life insurance, but that wouldn’t work well because, God rest his soul, Tom’s no longer with me and he wouldn’t sign the form anyway. When I told him that Tom had passed away, he switched and asked if I would be interested in donating to a worthy cause. He didn’t elaborate, but I figured he considered himself the worthwhile cause. Another no-go.


My phone company called to remind me that for only twenty-five more dollars a month, I could add a line. She was super polite and asked me how I was doing and when I answered poorly (which was a lie, but she’d never know), she said cheerfully, “That’s good,” and she continued with her sales pitch. I asked her why I needed a second line as I only have one phone, well, two counting my Dick Tracy wristwatch-phone and that I would prefer to have the twenty-five dollars. She didn’t want to say goodbye and was still jabbering as I hung up.

My question is this: What kind of people want to work for these scamming companies? If I weren’t a Marine, these calls would be scary as hell! Why would anyone join an organization whose only business is to scam and bilk money out of us older Americans? Can that kind of paycheck really be worth it?


No one has ever called to remind me to mask up, but I might buy a bunch if they asked!


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