Coupons, Coupons, Coupons!

Coupons, God love ‘em. Or, maybe He hates them. I certainly do. We seniors on a fixed income, (The word “fixed” is way too shallow for the abundance of gifts we have given society, but that’s another blog) are crazy for coupons but lately they cause me more trouble that they are worth.

The Sunday paper arrives and there they are, pages and pages of coupons for all kinds of cool stuff, some of which I might actually buy. There are all kinds of offers: BOGO (I finally figured out what that meant), BTGO, or half off the second, but why would I want to buy two quarts of vinegar when the previous one lasted five years.

If I cut the coupons out of the newspaper with scissors, as I did before phones became cameras, and put them in my pocket, they often end up clogging the dryer vent. My kids tell me to scan them, but I’m not sure how. I suspect I would take a picture of the item or barcode, but it baffles me to know why I would photograph a roll of toilet paper so that it sits on my camera roll next to my grandchildren. I’d probably forget it anyway and try to use it another week, only to learn it had expired. Or I’d be unable to identify which coupon goes to which store. Or maybe I’d get distracted by the photos of my darling grandchildren.

Another issue is that if it’s a really hot deal, the store will likely be out of the product, but they’ll happily substitute one product for another. Really? Substitute a nameless roll of paper towels for the advertised mop-up-everything premium type? The kind that come with the “select-a-size” option?

I have difficulty reading the coupon fine print, so purchased a magnifying glass to read the exclusions and expiration dates but store clerks and customers get testy when I use it with several socially distanced people standing behind me.

So…store owners, what I really need is one coupon emailed to my iPhone that reads: Give her anything she wants. She earned it.