Avoiding Muumuus



COVID19 is wearing me thin, not really thin, because all my clothes seem to have shrunk, which is something that happens when you are on lockdown and only have one place to go: the refrigerator. It’s gotten so bad that I have been thinking about cutting out the middleman (my gastro-intestinal system) and pasting the Oreos directly to my thighs. Why waste time? Now, I am searching for an eating plan that will allow me to fit back into the clothes that I have stored in the bowels of my closet. I’m sure I have four sizes of clothing back there, somewhere. If COVID19 doesn’t go away soon, I’m going to have to add muumuus to my collection of small-medium-large-extra-large clothing choices.


I’ve spent the last week looking at diets. I’ve researched each of them, low carbs, low calorie, high fat, high fiber, fruit, vegetable, lots of water, less water, not to mention foreign and domestic policy plans set up by the government. I’m sure they are wonderful and work for some people, but most likely not for me. Maybe a combo might be the ticket? I made charts and graphs, read the literature about which would work best. I set up an exercise plan yesterday, which I have already broken today. But someone once told me tomorrow is another day, so I’ll get on it tomorrow. Taking a break from chart making, I watched the debate on television news shows about the pros and cons of mask wearing.


Suddenly, out of the blue, after watching for the umpteenth time the mask debate on whether we should or shouldn’t be required to wear masks, it struck me. I have discovered a can’t-miss diet and it meshes very nicely with the COVID19 issue. Masks. If you wear a mask, you can’t eat. I tried it, and it’s true. It’s impossible to eat while wearing a mask. I thought my will power might be tempted to remove the mask to munch on something, so I slapped a little miracle glue on it and stuck that puppy right on my face. I then took my paper hole punch and pressed a straw hole into the mask, so now I can drink water through the hole, (anything else would stain my microfiber VA-issued mask), but I can’t eat. I must be a genius. I’m going to call it the Anti-Muumuu diet and make a lot of money.


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